The Satirical Tourist

Arturo, driving us around

Arturo, driving us around

“I need to pee again,” I said to Arturo, the man behind the steering wheel.

“Didn’t you just go?”

“It’s not my fault you’re a camel,” I said, defensively. “And anyway, that was over two hours ago, and I drank that huge coffee and a bottle of water. Also, I like to check my hair and lipstick, rather than just rolling out of the car and right into another meeting without a chance to collect myself.”

I’d assumed familiarity with our guide the moment I’d climbed into his behemoth, government-owned Sonora (what they call a Tahoe in Mexico). The first thing I said upon greeting him was, “You were on the wrong side of the street.” He began to explain that he’d moved to the area he thought might be easiest for us to find him, but I interrupted him with a casual, “I’m just fucking with you. We’re good.”

David, who’d taken his seat behind me, leaned forward and gave Arturo a knowing, I hope you know what you’ve signed up for, look. A few minutes later, David thought it prudent to point out, “The more Barb messes with you, the more she likes you.”

It had been over three years since I’d last been in Tijuana. My friends have been going south more and more frequently in recent years – a few had even joined forces to open a gallery, La Tentación, in the bubbling Pasaje Gomez, which, along with nearby Pasaje Revolución and Pasaje Rodriguez, is in the early stages of an art-centric renaissance. I’d heard tales of new murals, new shops, and new galleries, all a level below Avenida Revoluctión. After a year’s worth of reports from friends about the revitalized food scene, and the growth of arts and culture organizations and events south of the border, I finally had to see it all for myself.

Artist Manuel Varrona standing before his mural in Tijuana

Artist Manuel Varrona standing before his mural in Tijuana

My main motivation for going was to research content for a TV show I’m working on about art in the region. That’s where Arturo came in – my Spanish isn’t just rusty, it’s downright dilapidated. And I had no idea where I was going, as I’d lost touch with the happenings on the other side of the fence. My guide was a gift from Baja’s Secretary of Tourism. I wasn’t allowed to keep him, but for two days, he was mine.

I need levity to function. Mirth is my sun and water—without it, I wilt. This is why I cannot bear to be around people who take anything too seriously for too long. I’m the type of person who will, especially if it goes on too long, crack a joke at a funeral. It’s the Irish in me. Unfortunately for poor Arturo — amiable, polite Arturo – I fixated on him as my outlet for all things droll during my two days of back-to-back meetings with earnest professionals.

“What are you doing there? Who are you texting?” Arturo looked up from his phone to see me walking toward him. He’d been waiting patiently by the car while David and I had been busy touring the pasajes, meeting with artists and gallerists. “Here, let me see.”

“Do not give her your phone,” David warned.

“Is it your office? Are you tapping, ‘Please send help, this woman is insane?’ You should. Tell them I ripped up the itinerary and demanded you take me on a tour of graveyards instead, and that you need direction regarding how to handle the situation.”

Arturo laughed; it was a polite, professional chuckle.

Later in the afternoon, Arturo tried to keep us on schedule by alerting the gentlemen with whom we were meeting at the Tijuana Cultural Center that we had only 15 minutes left before we had to leave for our next engagement. “I’d really love to stay, guys,” I said to the group that had shown me just how vast the center really was (like all of Balboa Park condensed into one building). “But this guy hates you, and so he’s making us leave.” Arturo was about to balk, but I got in a quick, “Just kidding,” before he could.

A lookout point in Ensanada

A lookout point in Ensanada

On the second day, I could tell Arturo was warming to me when we stopped at a lookout point along the coast. David and Arturo were taking photos of the tuna farms in the ocean, when I heard the unmistakable call of a seal. “Did you guys hear that? How cool would it be to see a seal?”

“I see it, it’s right there,” Arturo said, pointing.

“Where?” I craned my neck to follow his finger and strained my eyes to distinguish a seal from the clusters of seaweed and rocks in the water below.

“Right there. I’m surprised you don’t see it,” Arturo said. It was then that I caught the flicker of a smile on his face. David caught it too, I could tell, because as I huffed and turned back toward the car, I could hear both of them laughing. Despite my feigned indignity at being faked out, I was happy to have broken through the businesslike veneer that had previously surrounded our host.

Sculpture by Alfonso Arambula

Sculpture by Alfonso Arambula

In Ensenada, we roamed the Wine Museum, which features galleries of wine-related art, and then checked out artist Alfonso Arambula’s giant sculptures at the Tres Valles Winery. When Arturo mentioned our next stop was a tour of the wine making process, I said, “I know how wine is made. Where can I get some heroin?” I could tell by his face that for a moment, he was unsure as to whether or not I was joking – it was brief, but delicious. Still, he got my point, and made a few quick phone calls. While Arturo was busy talking, I tried to conspire with David to steal the car at the next stop (“Just for a minute, come on, it’ll be hilarious”), but then Arturo was off the phone and describing our new destination, Cuatro Cuatros — a posh, upscale community development nestled between vineyards by the sea.

On the drive back to Tijuana, there was a government checkpoint. “Check it out, I’m going to look suspicious so they give you a hard time,” I said. I made a point to look directly at the officer and then away, as though I had something to hide. The man in uniform approached the window, asked Arturo some questions in Spanish, and peeked behind him into the vehicle. When he let us pass, I said, “See? I told you I’d make him come over – it’s all in the shifty eyes.”

Arturo said, “They always do that.”

When I expressed my disappointment with an exaggerated huff, Arturo didn’t look concerned. He just smiled and continued driving.

 


One Response to The Satirical Tourist

  1. Pingback: In the News - Diva Barbarella | Diva Barbarella

  2. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    This is nicely said! !

    caverta cialis soft viagra tadalis viagra how much
    viagra online
    what will 200mg of viagra do – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  3. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Thanks! Wonderful stuff!

    teenney transplant and viagra how do viagra segment the market
    cheap viagra
    can i break a viagra pill – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  4. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    You actually suggested this perfectly.

    how much viagra can you take horizon viagra
    viagra without a doctor prescription
    viagra alternative zenegra – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  5. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Kudos, Lots of facts.

    viagra personal experience viagra falls band doctors
    viagra online
    message board for viagra – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  6. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    With thanks! I value this.

    viagra safe does viagra increase penis size
    generic viagra
    buy viagra sydney – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  7. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    You mentioned that really well!

    viagra sales market viagra clitoris
    viagra 100mg
    roy mercer viagra – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  8. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Many thanks. Ample write ups.

    2003 daily feb online statistics viagra men who have tried viagra
    buy generic viagra
    viagra email subscribe – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  9. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Very good info, Thanks a lot!

    generic viagra canadian pharmacies connecticut generic caverta viagra
    viagra for women
    222 pill viagra – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  10. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    You mentioned that adequately!

    find viagra free online pages edinburgh viagra how fast 100mg
    generic viagra
    using viagra for recreation – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  11. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Awesome info, Thank you.

    viagra strength viagra patent lawsuit levitra
    generic viagra 100mg
    viagra light cover – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  12. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    You mentioned this exceptionally well.

    viagra and copd compare generic viagra
    cheap viagra
    alternative for viagra – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  13. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Incredible all kinds of helpful knowledge.

    list of generic viagra products topamax viagra
    buy viagra
    when will viagra patent expire – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  14. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Kudos! Very good stuff.

    oklahoma viagra prescriptions cheap viagra no prescription
    generic viagra
    how does diazapam interact with viagra – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  15. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Amazing material, Many thanks.

    pages search viagra charles 250k viagra for women pink pill
    generic viagra online
    buy viagra prescription america – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  16. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Info well utilized!.

    acumar and viagra viagra related deaths
    viagra for sale uk
    female viagra response – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  17. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Beneficial posts. Kudos.

    viagra and dapoxetine teen boys taking viagra
    generic viagra online
    women’s viagra – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  18. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Thanks! Helpful stuff!

    viagra in drink i have viagra
    buy viagra online
    wholesale viagra cheap from america – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  19. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Beneficial advice. Many thanks.

    thailand viagra viagra half dose or full strength
    buy viagra online
    viagra for paraplegic – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  20. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Wow quite a lot of awesome data!

    about buy viagra online links scam viagra
    viagra online
    effective time for viagra – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  21. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    You actually said this very well!

    viagra lung problems viagra allopurinol metformin vytorin memory loss
    generic viagra online
    is generic viagra legitimate – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  22. Your comment is awaiting moderation.
  23. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Thanks, I enjoy it.

    viagra news computer find sites edinburgh edinburgh search news find viagra soft
    generic viagra 100mg
    viagra from europe – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  24. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Amazing all kinds of beneficial info.

    can someone on amiloride take viagra replace viagra
    buy viagra online
    using viagra on house plants – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  25. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Thank you! A lot of facts.

    enhancing the viagra experience free sites computer viagra find
    generic viagra online
    ectasy and viagra taken together – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  26. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Seriously tons of very good tips.

    viagra otc usa viagra cialis walmart
    generic viagra online
    class action against pfizer for viagra – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  27. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Many thanks. Very good stuff!

    social viagra viagra niacin interaction
    generic viagra 100mg
    discount viagra onlilne – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  28. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Reliable information. Thank you!

    zoloft viagra ejaculation viagra directions 100mg
    buy viagra online
    find search viagra pages sites – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  29. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Nicely put. Many thanks.

    levitra buy levitra online viagra is there any legitimate viagra
    buy viagra
    acheter vrai viagra – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  30. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Thank you, Wonderful information.

    viagra for canine cor pulmonale dog food commercial immitating viagra commercial
    cheap viagra
    what is better cialis or viagra – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  31. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Cheers! I appreciate it.

    viagra and cialis dosage prescription viagra from canada without prescription
    viagra for women
    viagra serendipity – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  32. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Awesome information, Cheers.

    information viagra drinking with viagra
    buy generic viagra
    viagra costs – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  33. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Valuable stuff. Many thanks.

    keep getting viagra spam emails best time to take viagra
    viagra for sale uk
    sex viagra – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  34. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    You actually suggested it perfectly!

    drinking with viagra alternative viagra uses
    viagra generic
    home made viagra – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  35. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    This is nicely said. !

    cheap viagra prescription online viagra without prescription cheap
    generic viagra 100mg
    best price on viagra – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  36. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Kudos. Awesome information!

    viagra and hair growth treatment 1cialis comparison levitra viagra
    cheap viagra
    mix viagra and nitroglycerin – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  37. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Cheers, Ample tips!

    herbal viagra formulations buy viagra in the philippines
    viagra for women
    thailand viagra – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  38. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Thank you. Numerous facts.

    viagra healthy weight loss viagra pills online
    buy generic viagra
    viagra and a hardon – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  39. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    You said that well.

    insurance cover viagra cost edinburgh search viagra pages find
    generic viagra 100mg
    viagra mixed with nitric oxide – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  40. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Incredible a lot of useful information!

    viagra empty stomache cialis cialis viagra viagra
    viagra 100mg
    help paying for viagra – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  41. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    This is nicely said! .

    finding viagra in the philippines expired viagra risk
    viagra 100mg
    viagra mercury drug – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  42. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Thanks. Fantastic stuff.

    technical information about viagra sildenafil citrate viagra find online search free
    generic viagra 100mg
    watermellon and viagra – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  43. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Position well considered!!

    paypal viagra fibromyalgia sexual stimulation viagra cialis levitra
    viagra generic
    apcalis levitra viagra – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  44. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Thank you, Lots of data!

    viagra golf funny viagra gif
    viagra pills
    scottish civic trust viagra charles – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  45. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Nicely put. Appreciate it!

    burroughs wellcome viagra xtc viagra
    viagra pills
    cheap viagra from pfizer – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  46. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Awesome write ups. Thanks a lot.

    what is viagra professional wholesale viagra cheap
    generic viagra online
    pornactors viagra – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  47. Your comment is awaiting moderation.
  48. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Wonderful data. Regards!

    stop viagra flushing viagra not working
    viagra 100mg
    buy viagra alternative – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  49. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Thanks a lot! I appreciate this.

    cialis viagra and levitra non sexual uses for viagra
    viagra pills
    international drug store viagra – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  50. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Terrific forum posts, Many thanks!

    cheapest genuine viagra tablets soft viagra
    viagra for women
    cutting a viagra pill in half – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  51. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Terrific content, With thanks.

    viagra cialis levitra homeopathic viagra
    buy generic viagra
    medicaid cover viagra – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  52. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Lovely material. Thank you!

    porpel 50 viagra viagra and nitrous oxide
    generic viagra
    adult sites charles linskaill find viagra – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  53. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Truly lots of awesome advice!

    purchase of viagra cheap generic viagra deals
    buy viagra
    viagra ice cream – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  54. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Reliable info. Appreciate it.

    too young for viagra viagra triangle
    viagra generic
    comparison viagra regalis levitra – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  55. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Excellent posts. Cheers.

    edinburgh uk viagra tid cfm viagra lisinopril interaction
    generic viagra 100mg
    viagra herb alternative – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  56. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    You said it nicely.!

    viagra ceallis kamagra viagra supplier
    viagra pills
    viagra military negotiation tool – https://genericviagramsl.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  57. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Thanks a lot! An abundance of stuff!

    certified canadian viagra viagra and indegistion
    generic viagra 100mg
    viagra generic europe – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  58. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Thank you, I value this.

    viagra online pharmacies viagra for woman
    viagra generic
    how good is viagra – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  59. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Superb posts, Thanks a lot.

    canada’s viagra viagra toronto canada
    viagra pills
    where do i buy viagra online – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  60. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Factor nicely utilized!!

    quel dose de viagra viagra levitra
    buy viagra online
    can i get viagra without prescription – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  61. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    You actually said this wonderfully!

    generic india viagra attack heart viagra
    generic viagra online
    duct tape instad of viagra – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

  62. Your comment is awaiting moderation.
  63. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Truly a lot of beneficial knowledge!

    viagra falls snake charmers viagra and weight lifting
    buy viagra
    viagra george w bush conservative opposition – https://genericviagrantx.com

    DavidVal
    TerenceNet
    VictorLew

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

 

 
 
previous next