“The only difference between saints and sinners is that every saint has a past while every sinner has a future.” – Oscar Wilde

It’s New Year’s Eve. You know, there was a period of time while I was living in L.A. when people would challenge me to gather the masses last minute. I’d get a call at work on Friday morning, around 10:00 a.m. She would say, “Listen, Barbarella, I want to have a party tonight, a HUGE party, with all the right people, and I want to throw it at Matt’s place, because mine is too small.” I always pulled it off. Two hours on the phone after work, and before you could say “Where it’s at!” there were 50 people at Matt’s, and he was FINE with it. Friends would come to visit, and I’d have NO idea how to entertain them, what to do, etc. But at the last minute, I always found just the right clubs and parties to bring them to, just the perfect exciting people to accompany us for a good time, and it always worked out. Sometimes I miss that. I miss arranging and organizing and being at the center of it all. We all know I’m an attention whore.

But I remember also, as I would gather the masses, pull together events, sell everyone on the potential fun of it all to raise the initial excitement level (a must-have for the start of any party), how I used to wish I could just be one of those people to show up at the party; I wished I could come and go and not be noticed and have nothing to do with the planning of it all. The grass is always greener. I’ve been enjoying the stress-free position of one who is in mere attendance at a party, whereas I used to get off on the pressure and stress and importance of being the girl responsible for ALL of the fun. This is peaceful, this is mellow… so why do I feel like relapsing?

I want to PARTY tonight. If you know me, you know what that entails. Dressing up a LOT, seeing a LOT of people, and getting inebriated in creative ways (read: not your typical champagne). I want to do bad things. But why? Because it’s the perfect reason? What better reason to party your ass off for days than the welcoming of a new year? Is that just what I’m used to? Do I really want to party my ass off, or do I feel like I have to, because that’s just what we do on New Year’s Eve? These are questions I haven’t asked myself in a long time. I still am not sure what I’m doing. But I have this comfortable knowledge that I’ll figure it out before crunch time, and that whatever I do, I’ll have a blast… I always do. But another thing I always do is speculate – what will my fun time include? If I’m offered certain types of parties, will I take them? Because I feel like it? Or because I couldn’t imagine myself refusing and passing up the opportunity? These are some of the things that will be running through my mind this evening.

Here are some of the other things:

Every year is better than the last for me. Every year I have learned more about myself and all of the people around me. Do I have New Year’s Resolutions? No. Why? Because I believe that if there’s something about my life that I need to change, something I WANT to change, then no event is going to make a difference, no date is going to effect my decision. If you’re waiting for the right day to stop a habit or be a better person, why bother at all? Meaning, I haven’t smoked in eleven days. Is it my New Year’s Resolution to “quit?” No. I stopped because I felt like it, because I want health, and I didn’t wait and keep smoking these last few weeks of December to make it an official New Year thing. Are you following me? Might I smoke tonight if I feel like it? Yes. I’ve had a full pack in my car this whole time. I like having the option, and not feeling bad or guilty regardless of my decisions. Though having said that, I’d like to make decisions that are implemental to my learning and living. But I digress…

Every year I love more. Every year I can accept those around me with less questioning, with less speculation, with less judging. Every year, I WANT to be a better me, even when I’m swimming in my murky worst, even if I’m enjoying the bad. Every year, I judge myself less. Every year I question my values and rearrange my priorities.

Now, go back a few paragraphs and replace Every “year” you see with the word “day.” Every year means nothing. We live day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. Every year, I want to live even more in the NOW, appreciating, feeling, loving, SEEING, understanding. I love my life. I love my life .

Happy New Now!

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