Your subconscious never lies. Something is stressing me out. School? Not really, not anymore, two “A”s in a row, I’m sure I’ll do fine, and I’m actually looking forward to really learning math for the first time. Money? No, not really, I know where I stand, and though it’s not where I want to be standing, saving and sacrificing for school is worth it to me, builds character and a sense of accomplishment (eventually, I’m hoping). Relationship? No way, I’ve never been happier or more in love than I am with M.s. So why am I having restless sleep? Why am I grinding my teeth and tossing and turning and mumbling and grumbling? I can only think of one thing.

My sister. She’s not talking to me. I don’t want to sound one-sided, so I’ll tell you from her point of view. She needed to talk to someone, she called me, I was unavailable to her. “You’re NEVER there when I need you, no hard feelings, but you’re not.” When I became available, I spoke my opinion too soon, without completely hearing her out. “I don’t even want to tell you anymore, I don’t know why I wanted to tell you in the first place.” Then I reacted to her raised, indignant voice by hanging up on her. She left a message after that. She said she doesn’t want to talk to me, she said that she can’t believe I upset her like that before she had to go to work. She said these things in different words and some of them she yelled.

I love her too much to tell her what she wants to hear. Now, I’m a heartless, careless bitch. Not a good sister, not a good friend, the only real friend she thought she had and I failed her, she really believes that. She believes that I don’t care, that I’m too selfish to make time, she won’t make that mistake again, the mistake of trying to talk to me.

I was out with people, in the car, then at the park, surrounded by activity on a beautiful day. This was Sunday, Earth Day, Art Walk Day, we were showing our guest around the town. She kept calling. She told me about a situation. I told her she was being paranoid and insecure, and to stop it. She said I didn’t hear her out, I never hear her out, but when I asked for the rest, when I gave her the time, there was no more to the story. I didn’t tell her what she wanted to hear, and now she’s not talking to me.

So why do I feel so guilty? Why does a part of me listen to that same old story, the one in which I’m a bad sister? I’m selfish? Why do I feel so angry, like I just want to scream, “Fucking get over it, move on, live your life and let me live mine, and I’ll see you when I see you!” I want her to not be so fucking extreme about every little encounter. You call someone, you’re upset, they tell you that you’re blowing it out of proportion, and you either take their advice or you don’t. If you don’t, that’s not a reason to never talk to me again. That’s not a reason to get all pissy and upset and punish me by ignoring me when all I wanted to do was snap you out of your narrow little world!

The other day, I was upset. I called her, and she made me feel better. And I didn’t return the favor, and I WANTED to, I wanted to come through for her like she came through for me, but the time was bad, and I thought the reason she was upset could be evaporated by my opinion, that it just wasn’t a GOOD reason to be upset. She doesn’t forget that she made me feel better, and she uses that as ammunition when she shoots out that I don’t care.

Yes, I may be better off without all the bullshit, it may be nice and quiet over here when this one isn’t talking to me, but the truth is, I LOVE my sister, and I WANT her to be happy. I like talking to her and sharing with her and having her share with me. Same old shit, though. You can’t MAKE anybody happy. She chooses to be isolated, she chooses to not grow and learn or work for anything, she chooses to believe that everyone is against her, and she chooses to believe that she’s not worth anything to anyone, and then she manifests those beliefs by being the miserable shit that she can be.

She chooses not to listen to the few people that REALLY care about her. So there you have it, all of the things I wanted to say to someone who wouldn’t listen. I can’t say I blame her. The truth hurts, and for someone who doesn’t seem to give a shit about anything or anyone, including herself, she sure knows how to protect herself from the pain of reality. I feel helpless, I feel bad, I feel sad, and I wonder… what does she want for her birthday this weekend? Would she even take it if I give it to her? How far does this pain go. Far enough to throw a gift back at me? Am I really that horrible? Am I wrong to post this here?

Will I stop hurting every time this cycle of hers gets to this point? Is there any way in Hell to ever get HER to STOP HURTING? I need to get to work, there’s no answers here, only tears of frustration and more, more, more questions.
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